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Notkelly – A rad cellist who grew up in the Hamptons (Montauk, specifically), Notkelly’s parents were always away on business or vacations when she was a girl. They left for Europe when she was 16 and didn’t call or come back for a year, so she burned the house down and moved to NYC, where she made a living busking in the subways and playing cello in quartets, until she was abducted by aliens on a Thursday. They didn’t take her for weird sexual experiments or anything, but because in all their intergalactic travels the aliens had never found anyone who rocked the strings as hard as Notkelly. She once cut a mugger’s throat with her cello bow, the non-stringed side of which she’d sharpened to a jagged edge.

 

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Jenkem – A meathead drummer who is built like a tree, Jenkem looks like a reject from a punk band, but he’s too stupid to speak the proper counter-culture lingo necessary to fit in with the anti-bourgeois crowd of the punk scene since he’s originally from Bumfuck, Arkansas. He joined the Star Corps (it’s the 22nd century, bitches!) to get away from trouble with the law, but ended up being taken as a POW by the Biebrans for refusing to give up his real drums for a synthpop set. He escapes and meets Notkelly, Charles, and Chris at the Seedy Bar in the Alley Behind the Restaurant at the End of the Universe (Seeba for short).


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Charles – If you value your life, don’t call him Chuck. If you value your balls, don’t call him Charlie. He may be a small guy, but he can still tear you up. If he’d been born a century earlier, Charles would have been a jazz pioneer. Instead, he drills the synth with a precision not yet seen by anyone in the vast universe. Like Ray Charles, he wears glasses all the time. Is he blind, or do the glasses grant some sort of secret power that is as yet undemonstrated? No one knows where he’s from, just that he was a regular at Seeba before the other three Drunk Pedestrians stumbled in on the night of the Battle of the Bands challenge. Charles has a bad habit of saying “synth” instead of “since”, which at first sounds like a lisp but eventually makes it clear that he takes his job very, very seriously.


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Chris – Chris is from … Kansas … or Ohio or something. He doesn’t quite remember. There was a flash, followed by a bang, then he was on a spaceship and wearing no clothes. The spaceship was at least flown by humans, and they were nice to him, what with only the one forced searching of his cavities. After that they told him the news: he’d time traveled almost two hundred years into the future, ending up in the late 22nd century. Everyone he’d ever known was gone, except for one or two people he’d never really been all too terribly fond of anyway. On the plus side, after hearing Chris beatbox in the shower they told him he could have whatever he wanted in exchange for his talent, since humanity in those days had lost the ability to beatbox. He threw down some sick rhythms and then ordered a stiff drink. He’s been scraping by that way ever since.